Because I’m pretty sure I’m getting a doona set.
This article is a response Elite Daily’s article 51 things a single 25 year old single girl really wants for Christmas.
Ms Martin, I regret to inform you that this ache in your soul that can only be soothed with a hefty dose of body positivity and addressing those dependency issues. If you bring a man into the mix right now you’re just going to create a host of new problems, take it from someone who knows.
You want a ‘man to blow my mind and a suppressed appetite to fit into those jeans you should have bought me instead.’ Speak for yourself, missy.
These are the 51 things this 25 year old really wants for christmas. However note that I don’t disagree with her on all counts:
- My 12 year old ability to feel refreshed on three hours sleep
- Dudes who message me wanting to hook up to be both upfront and polite
- To feel comfortable wearing ass hugging pants
- MOAR money, less effort
- For my mother to not act like my adventure time t shirts are the sole reason I’m failing at life
- Netflix. In Australia. Yeah its coming but will it be without limitations? Doubtful!
- To not be made to feel more disposable with age
- Acohol that makes my ex boyfriends grovel to me more often
- More travel
- Appreciation for my sparkling porcelain complexion instead of being shamed as ‘pasty.’ Why glow when you can sparkle, amirite.
- Being able to feel bad about how that dick from high school died of rapid ALS
- To be able to unfollow my 14 year old cousin on instagram so I could stop being unnerved by the borderline soft core lesbian porn she seems to think it’s cute to re-enact with her friends. So not worth the drama though.
- Guilt and consequence free sex with that dickhead ex-lover who was amazing in bed
- For shanking street harassers to be legal
- To have the pelvic strength to fire blood clots ping-pong balls at people who don’t unserstand why my periods make me miss work/school/parties/sport. It’s called endometriosis, assholes. Look it up.
- Pain free tattoos
- For people to stop trying to make ‘superfoods’ happen.
- For people to stop asking me to like fanpages for their dogs.
- To be able to eat a nutritous balanced diet by only eating cake
- For my married friends to not turn into the pillar of relationship knowledge as soon as they have a ring on their finger.
- No writer’s block
- Guilt free torrenting
- To be able to change my hair colour at will
- For my boyfriend to respond to my efforts to teach him massage skills
- To wear scene hair without worrying whether or not I’m too old for it
- To be able to work through my angst by belting out related songs glee-style
- For my grandmother’s dementia to go away
- Neck down alopecia, not because I buy into letting porn stars direct my hair styles but because the horrors of the sudden intense itch prompted by being stabbed in the labia by a rogue pube which only ever happens in a public place is a situstion I’d really rather not deal with ever again
- Not crying and fainting every time I have those regular blood tests I’ve been having for years
- A blog following like Amanda bynes on twitter to appreciate my crazy
- That rubix cube hand bag I saw at supernova 2011 and didn’t buy for some reason and haven’t been able to track down
- A jumping castle bed
- For my man to be able to grow a luscious ginger beard
- Unlimited travel sounds good actually…
- Being able to attend One Direction concerts a) without shame and b) with a 2 metre personal space bubble that repels crazy twelvies
- Bacon every day
- Relationships without WORK
- One week where carbs didn’t make it impossible to poop
- cheese that goes to my boobs
- All the guac in the world
- All the moscato in the world
- Culinary skills
- Green juice without the work
- Squats without pain
- Heels that don’t wreck your feet
- To undo the damage 10 years of caffeine addiction has done my bladder
- Hair that is both naturally voluminous and flippy
- Being able to apply winged eyeliner and false eyelashes without a freaking meltdown
- To be able to transform into either a sailor scout or a super saiyan
- A spacious home like mum and dad’s without the decades of hard work to afford it
- A swimming pool sized spa bath