Worrying Things That Happened When I Was Drunk

As I have been trying to get clean and stay clean I thought it would be a good idea to revisit some unfortunate things that happened when I’ve been drinking so I have a list to think about next time I want to nail myself.  As you will see these things range from mildly annoying to very concerning.

  • I overspent with internet shopping
  • With the internet shopping I bought strange things I would likely never wear
  • I posted strange things on social media
  • I missed derby practice because I was too drunk to drive (and skate, obviously)
  • I had broken sleep
  • I cut and burned myself while cooking drunk
  • Pea went out once when I had been drinking and returned to find me unconscious at the bottom of the back steps. We don’t know if I fell and hit my head or what.
  • I withdrew from my savings account to pay for all the alcohol I was drinking
  • I missed out of family events because I was passed out drunk
  • I couldn’t enjoy other family events because I was hungover
  • I threw up in the bedroom
  • Throwing up on myself. Vomit laundry is no fun
  • I blacked out and couldn’t remember the night before
  • I missed work due to broken sleep from drinking
  • I gained weight
  • I was more likely to crave and eat junk food when drunk (see weight gain above)
  • I also ate badly when hungover
  • A blood test revealed abnormalities in my liver enzymes

These are just some things for me to think about, and hopefully I can do better.

 

Mac

Just Checking In

 

It’s been a while since I have blogged and I guess I want to update where my life is at now.  It’s not often that I stop and think “hey, how am I going?” and when I do, and am really honest with myself, the answer can surprise me.  I did this recently and after exhaustive rumination I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t going great, and I’ve started putting some habits in place to rectify that.

 

First, the drinking.  It’s funny how drinking and sobriety episodes have become such a major episode of my life – and this blog – but here we are.  After several binge drinking episodes at the start of April co-inciding with my meltdown when Pea went on his weekend away, I realised I had to do better.  And so my energy has gone into stopping binge drinking.  Not drinking altogether, I’m picking my battles.  I went on to have a couple of binge drinking episodes over the next month but there were greater lengths of time between them.  As of now writing this I haven’t had one since late April – nearly a month ago.

 

With binge drinking all but conquered for the time being, I had to be honest with myself and realise that I was still drinking too much in a day, even though I wasn’t getting drunk.  I was drinking most days and I began to realise that it had taken its toll on me, most noticeably in that I have gained about ten kilos over the last couple of months.  Alcohol is a lot of empty calories, plus drinking makes me want to eat junk food.

 

So now my energy goes into losing weight.  I have realised that if that is going to happen, I have to stop drinking altogether which I have done as of last week.  I’m allowing myself a couple when I go out, but if I end up finding it hard to control myself then I will cut that out too.  I know I can lose the weight provided I am able to say no to drinking, I lost five kilos at the end of last year when my weight crept up once I started of seroquel.  I was on Antabuse at the time so obviously I was having no alcohol.

 

Staying sober without Antabuse is hard, it is really hard to say no.  Some people might say why not just go back on it?  I did say in one of my Youtube videos that I want to see if I can stay sober without a drug but truthfully I’m scared of the effects if you do drink.  I’m scared I might snap one day and have one of my binges which on Antabuse can kill you.

 

In my experience weight loss has more to do with what you eat than exercise but I am staying active.  I have thrown myself into roller derby fully, we are training on Wednesday night for two hours and on Friday night for three hours.  I go down to the local netball courts during the day and get on my skates when I have a day off.  I view learning the skills as a project, and I love having a project.

 

I have also started running.  Pea and I have registered for the city2surf again which for non Australians is a fourteen kilometre fun run from Sydney’s city centre to Bondi beach.  I know I have to train or it will be a struggle so I have been going running three days a week.

 

Work has picked up and I am now working a second shift a week.  Two days a week may not sound like much but increases in any activity is hard for me to get used to.  I have a lot of insecurities about work and feeling useless, worrying if I am making a useful contribution to the team but working a second day gives me a chance to develop into the role a bit.

 

Hopefully all these changes will make next month a better one

 

 

 

Mac

 

A Midnight Meltdown

 

Pea went away for the weekend on Friday and, knowing this holiday was coming up, I had gone off Antabuse and was basically looking forward to a weekend of alcohol and junk food binging.  I know that sounds bad, but it is what it is.

 

Before he even left however, the cracks started to show.  I tried to control his packing process from his sleeping arrangements to the food he was taking.  He went to a dirt bike event where around seven hundred dirt bike riders would bring their bikes to a camp site near Kowen in the ACT for two days of riding and camping.  A week before I was calling my parents to see if they had any suitable camping gear, urging Pea, who was rather laid back about the whole thing, to start packing.

 

Luckily there was a camping gear sale at Aldi so he got most of what he needed there.  After borrowing an eski from my parents, he was set.  He didn’t want to take any food – just wanted to fill that huge eski with beer – because he said there would be a food truck there.  At my insistence he took some sausages and bread because with one food truck for seven hundred people you don’t know if a) the food is any good and b) they might run out of food.

 

On Friday, I woke feeling off and called in sick to work.  I went with Pea to do his food shopping and nagged him unsuccessfully to buy more food.  Back home, I hovered around while he did his last minute packing, stressing that he was going to forget something.

 

He left around eleven, and my feelings of uneasiness continued.  I distracted myself by watching some youtube, until midday when I went to the pub for lunch as I do every Friday.  I surprised the lady in the restaurant by ordering “the usual, but only for me this week.”

 

I watched more tv that afternoon and was plagued by the overwhelming desire the have a drink.  The voice in my head kept saying “just have one” but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop at one, and then I wouldn’t be able to drive to roller derby training.  And even if I did manage to get there somehow, skating drunk is not advisable.

 

I got to roller derby early, and texted Pea to call me, knowing he’d be at Kowen by then.  He did, but the signal kept dropping out and eventually we gave up.  I accepted that I wouldn’t be able to talk to him until he came back.

 

Once training started I felt shaky, and it occurred to me with a pang of anxiety that if I got hurt there was no-one to come and get me.  I didn’t know who I would call.  Pea’s sister lives down the street but I don’t have her number.  My parents live nearly an hour away.  I held onto the wall for nearly fifteen minutes until I could be persuaded to join in.  Later another freshie broke her tailbone which did nothing to ease my feeling of discomfort.

 

After training we went to the pub and I told the girls that my partner had gone away.  They all started talking about how much they enjoyed their partners going away which left me wondering if I’m just tragic, or if we just haven’t been together long enough (I asked my mum this later and she told me in no uncertain terms that no, we haven’t.)

 

Finally I drove back home and the part of the weekend I had been apparently looking forward to could begin.  I started pouring drinks and watching funny shows.  But rather than relax me, the alcohol seemed to have the opposite effect.  Then at around midnight, my heart dropped into my stomach with a realisation.

 

What am I doing?  I don’t want to be doing this.

 

I was only doing this because I was alone.  And I was terrified to be alone.  I hate sleeping alone yet that is what I would have to do because I had drunk too much to drive anywhere.  I turned off the television, poured the rest of my drink down the sink and took my gabapentin.

 

The next day, I woke determined to do better.  I went to the supermarket and bought ingredients to make a healthy lunch.  Then I called my Mum so at least I would be talking to someone that day.

 

Over the phone Mum picked up that I sounded stressed.  She invited me to stay over for the weekend so, after a bit of thought, I decided that would be best.  At least that way I wouldn’t sleep in an empty house.  I took the ingredients for my healthy lunch and no alcohol.

 

It’s now Sunday and I’m sitting in my room at Mum and Dad’s typing this.  My messages to Pea don’t seem to be getting through so the first he’s going to know about this will probably be when he arrives home late tonight and finds me gone, though he will probably be able to figure out what happened.

 

Now that I know how Pea going away affects me I am better able to deal with it in the future, i.e with no drinking, healthy food and not isolating myself.  Once you know better, you do better.

 

I still miss him though.  I guess I’m just tragic.

 

 

 

Mac

 

Starting Antabuse

I started antabuse the other night and have been sober ever since of course.  Starting this drug is naturally a huge deal.  I went into it thinking I could go off and on it so I could drink on special occasions but that won’t be happening.  By taking this you commit to at least six months of sobriety.  Most scripts last three months, this one lasts a year.

The potential side effects of this drug are so serious that my doctor made me sign a contract stating that she had explained the seriousness of it all to me.  So what are these potential side effects?

According to DailyMed,

“Disulfiram plus alcohol, even small amounts, produce flushing, throbbing in head and neck, throbbing headache, respiratory difficulty, nausea, copious vomiting, sweating, thirst, chest pain, palpitation, dyspnea, hyperventilation, tachycardia, hypotension, syncope, marked uneasiness, weakness, vertigo, blurred vision, and confusion. In severe reactions there may be respiratory depression, cardiovascular collapse, arrhythmias, myocardial infarction, acute congestive heart failure, unconsciousness, convulsions, and death

 

So.  This drug can kill you.

All the websites I’ve looked at recommend not taking it less than 12 hours after drinking but my doctor said 48.  She also said if I wanted to stop taking it it would be a week before I would be safe to drink but I found some websites that said two.  If and when I do decide to go off it I will wait two weeks just to be safe.

I received the script on Thursday but, as I had been drinking the night before I was unable to start that night.  The pharmacy I go to for my scripts is a bit of a drive away so I wanted to make sure they had it before I went and got it.  When I was talking to my psychologist about going on it she told me that antabuse is fairly rare and they probably wouldn’t have it sitting on their shelves.  So I figured I could call them that day, and if they didn’t have it, I could get them to order it in by the time I was headed that way the next day, and could start it that night.

I called them, and they did in fact have it.  They said they would reserve it for me, not something I was aware I could do at the pharmacy.  Clearly there are a few problem drinkers in that area.

When I went to pick up the antabuse the pharmacist said “now I don’t know if you’ve been warned but if you drink on this you’ll get all the effects of a hangover without the fun part beforehand.”  Well that sounds positively tame compared to what I found above doesn’t it?  I told him I understood and I paid for it.  And oh my god it was expensive – $79.99 for…I’m not sure how much is in there actually.  It’s either one months’ worth or three months’ worth.  So it’s not on the PBS.  Pea thinks that’s because the government wants to make up all the alcohol tax they’re losing from the sober problem drinkers.

I started taking it that night, with my nightly seroquel.  Pea thought it would be funny to lick one of my tablets then have a beer.  I was a bit worried about him, but he had no bad effects come of that.

I’ve been taking it for three days now and I feel fine.  I do have a morbid curiosity every time Pea opens a beer wondering if I should take a sip just to see what happens.  But I’ve been told by enough people that would be a bad idea – mum tells me I will want to die.  My psychologist told me about one of her patients who started drinking on antabuse and after only one beer was so violently ill he need to go to hospital by ambulance.

I’m aware that I haven’t talked much about my problematic drinking on this blog (they don’t like to label people as alcoholics anymore) and that’s mainly because I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know when and how it started, I don’t know why I do it and I don’t know how this will affect me long term.  Being in hospital didn’t help, it just dried me out for a little while then I was back at it again.

I had a blood test yesterday to make sure I haven’t damaged myself with all this irresponsible drinking.  I had one in hospital and I was fine but I’ve been doing it heavy since then.  I won’t find out the results until later this week.

Not drinking for five days hasn’t caused me significant distress, ok I cried the first day but only because I had a crutch and now it has been taken away.  I wasn’t experiencing any dependency symptoms apart from that withdrawal episode I had last Tuesday but nothing like that has happened since then.  Antabuse is a prick of a way to get sober because the control is taken away from you.

But I was out of control before.

 

Mac

The Strange Episode Explained

So I went to my doctor yesterday.  Dad was meant to come with me but he was late because he went to the old address that he has in his address book at work.  Which is funny because my psychiatrist has been there for six years but oh well.

After my episode on Tuesday night, Dad sent my doctor a fax detailing what had happened, concluding with the statement that, in his professional opinion as a doctor, I was on too much seroquel.

She asked me if I was still drinking a lot and I said I was.  She said that, in her opinion as a psychiatrist who has dealt with many problem drinkers on seroquel before, my Dad’s conclusion was incorrect.  What he described, she said, sounded like delirium brought on by alcohol withdrawal, compounded by seroquel on top.

I’m on 50mg of seroquel at night.  By accidentally doubling it I had taken 100.  That is a lot for me but, as she explained, not a high dose of sedatives at all.  That alone wouldn’t account for the sleepwalking.

She asked me I if was getting any other symptoms of alcohol dependence like shaking. I said I wasn’t, but that I felt anxious on days where I wasn’t drinking.  And when I do drink, I can’t stop at one.  So I thought that I would have to so something that I have been putting off but now I feel like I’m out of options – go on antabuse, the drug that makes you violently ill when you drink.  She said that if I’m going to do that we need to talk to Dad about it because to take a step like that you need family support.

At which point my Dad entered, apologising profusely for being late.  She reiterated what she had told me about her diagnosis of my episode.  He shot an accusatory look at me and asked if that meant I had been drinking at home.  She said no, I was experiencing withdrawals from drinking heavily at Pea’s place the night before.

We talked to Dad about me going on antabuse and he was a little taken aback but agreed that I needed to take that step to stay sober.  She said that taking this drug meant that I was committing to six months of sobriety, and laid out the facts – I can’t start it until 48 hours after my last drink, and I can’t start drinking until 7 days after to stop it.  And if I do drink while on it, the effects are life threatening.

Because taking this drug is such a big commitment she made me sign a contract stating that I understood the nature of this drug and the ramifications of drinking on it.  That’s a new one – never had to sign anything for any of my meds.

My doctor ended the appointment by telling me to come back in three weeks and telling me that if anything goes wrong, she could get me in that day if need be.  She thanked my Dad for his involvement and told me I was welcome to bring any of my family members to my appointments, including my mum (I’m not sure I’m ready for that.)

Afterwards Dad and I went for lunch at the pub on the corner of the street my psychiatrist’s office is on and I had the most amazing burger (huge beef patty, crispy bacon, American cheese, onion rings, pickles, barbecue sauce and ranch dressing.)  Dad was joking that I should have one last drink but I wanted to start antabuse the next night.  I couldn’t start it that night as I had been drinking the night before.

Well, that’s all for now.  I will be back to talk about my experiences when I start taking the antabuse.

 

Mac