Problem drinking

Done With Diets

Mac the Disordered body image, diet, Problem drinking, Uncategorized , , , ,

It has come to my attention that I am incapable of dieting.

Properly, I’m incapable of dieting properly.

A little bit of background: I used to be overweight, a hangover effect from being on an inappropriate dose of seroquel. Then I changed to Zeldox, and lost 25 kg.

If you’re reading this and think losing weight will fix your body issues I hate to tell you but losing weight for me brought a range of new body issues. I was happy with my body before I lost weight but now my body just feels like a work in progress.

To make matters worse last year while dealing with increased seroquel, stress from lack of sleep and trying to get my drinking under control I gained 10kg. This time I wasn’t ok with being overweight and my body image took a nosedive. So I set about trying to lose that weight.

To start with my weight loss attempts were decent. I managed to lose 7 of the 10 kg by exercise and an appropriate caloric deficit. But then I stalled, and things fell apart.

You see, while researching nutrition to find the best way to healthily lose weight, I realised that after I first lost weight I was eating far too little. Part of this was due to the reduced appetite that came with starting zeldox, and part of it, I realise now, I was scared of putting weight back on because I knew it would make my already precarious body image worse. I was losing weight eating more than how I maintained my weight for over a year.

So when I stalled, I got it into my head that I need to eat the same way as I did at my lowest. And that’s what I tried to do, for a bit. But purposeful restriction ended up being very triggering.

For the past few weeks I have been terrified of certain foods, and developed this curious habit of binging in the morning. I get up, weigh myself, and regardless of what the scale says go straight to the fridge.

During this time I had a relapse with my drinking. After staying dry for months I started binge drinking at night. I have had these kind of relapses before and it usually happens when I try to stick to a restrictive diet. I would starve all day, then drink a bottle of wine. When you’re drunk you will make bad choices when you want to eat and this is what ended up happening.

While all this was going on, ironically the thing I was trying to avoid happened – I gained back a couple of kilos.

Yesterday, while I was feeling miserable after being full of wine and a massive meal I came to the conclusion that I can’t diet anymore. I just can’t. It’s too triggering.

So does this mean I’m going to eat whatever I want, whenever I want? No. I will try to eat well, but I will allow myself to indulge occasionally. It means I am focussing on health, not weight loss.

When I see influencers – usually plus size, saying that they were focussing on health, not weight loss I didn’t understand it. Wouldn’t health mean weight loss? But now I do. Framing clean eating around losing weight it too triggering for a lot of people, and I realise now that I am one of them.

So for now, the focus is accepting myself at the size I am. I did it before I lost weight, I can do it again, surely.

Mac

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2018 Goals

Mac the Disordered Problem drinking , , , , ,

2017 is DEAD. And so is every promise I made to myself this year.

 
At the new years eve party I was asked about new years resolutions and I didn’t know what to say, partly because I hadn’t thought about it and partly because goals I make for myself are linked to my mental health and wellness and really too personal/confronting for polite conversation.

 
I spent the 1st sleeping off a hangover and nursing a back injury that I got at the gym a few days ago. That brings us to today, and I’m forced to think about the matter more seriously.

 
As I was browsing through facebook this morning I saw this article by Rosie Waterland,

 
“Why New Year’s Resolutions are Pointless”

 
The article says, basically new years resolutions are always going to end in disappointment. So by setting them, you’re only causing yourself disappointment and strain on your mental health.

 
Rosie approaches this article from a context of mental health struggles and tragedy in her own life that I can relate to but still I fundamentally disagree with her because she is making two assumptions:

 
a) Setting goals is only worthwhile if you’re going to achieve them
b) If life is shit now, it will always be shit

 
So, I’ll start with point a.
I absolutely think you should set goals for 2018, if you are so inclined. But you have to have a plan, and be prepared to shift your focus. There’s no point saying you’re going to run a marathon, and making no extra time to train, and having no training plan. Actual research has to go into that.

 
A goal, and a path to achieve that goal is not a linear process – it’s a journey. If you make a resolution, put changes in place to get there but still fall short, you’re still further along than you were at the start of the year. So you set out to lose 20 kilos but you only lost 10? You still had to make huge changes to your lifestyle to achieve that.

 
Which brings me to – be kind to yourself. Acknowledge your achievements even if they weren’t what you were hoping for. Maybe you didn’t make any progress. You probably had a good reason! The effects of stress, mental illness and tragedy on someone’s life isn’t always visible and sometimes, as Rosie says in her column, you have to be gentle with yourself. She also says, and I’m paraphrasing, she is more likely to win an Oscar than to ever go to the gym yet in another paragraph admits to going three times in 2017. With those kind of odds she should probably be proud of that progress!

 

So, point B.
Say I’m in survival mode right now. To avoid setting goals because I think I will always be in survival mode is overly fatalistic. We don’t know what is in our future. We just don’t.
When I was talking about future plans in therapy, my psychologist says I have a tendency to assume that when I undertake a new task/life change, I won’t cope. When I think that way I become overly anxious and ultimately sabotage myself.

 

Yes mental health slip ups may occur and interfere with your goals, and it’s important to have a plan in place if they do, but if you avoid making plans in case this happens you will never achieve anything.

 

So with that in mind, what are some goals I have set for myself in 2018?

 

Drink less.
As a problem drinker, this is always the goal. Notice I don’t say don’t drink at all, I am using the same principle with dieting, if I cut something out completely I will be more likely to relapse and binge. My aim is a couple of drinks a week.

 

Develop a weights routine.
Unlike Rosie, I don’t feel like fitness goals are hilarious for me because I have always been active and am looking to improve my fitness and activity level beyond roller derby twice a week. I started at the gym a couple of weeks ago and started using weights but unfortunately have had to take a break because I strained my back. This probably happened because of bad form, so I’m hoping to do some personal training to fix my form and develop a routine that works for me.

 

Take my morning medication
This is a big one. I never forget my night meds because I don’t sleep without them, but with the morning set I am less reliable. To get my anxiety levels under control that needs to change, so I’m trying using a tracker in my traveller’s notebook insert so I can cross off when I take them.

 

If you want to make resolutions, don’t feel like it’s a pointless exercise if you don’t achieve them, there’s nothing wrong with having goals, it’s all about your attitude toward yourself. If you don’t want to make them? That’s fine too, you’ll still look back at the end of the year and be able to track your achievements.

 

Mac

 

What It’s Like to Go On A Hen’s Night As A Problem Drinker

Mac the Disordered Problem drinking, Uncategorized

I drank more than everyone else and not as much as I wanted. Story of my life these days really.
So back to last Friday night: I had to go on a hen’s night, for the first time since my drinking became a problem. That meant being in situations where alcohol as readily available, and I had to make the decision to partake and try to avoid being ‘that’ drunk in the group or not drinking at all.
I chose to drink. Bear in mind that I had arranged to be picked up afterwards by my parents so if I was obviously drunk when they got me, they wouldn’t be happy.
The other object of consideration was that the hen is a christian girl, as are most of her friends and the others are mums who have to get up to young children the next day so in that scene, no-one is going to be drinking a lot. If I get black out drunk I will stick out.
The hen’s party consisted of dinner at a fancier pub bistro then bowling at a nearby games centre that serves cocktails. Very sensible activities but with a lot of alcohol available.
With the above considerations in mind I went to the pub. The bride the be was already there, and a few of the other girls were also arriving so we immediately went to get drinks. I took note of what everyone else ordered – a few lemonades, lemon lime and bitters – and when it was my turn thought fuck it, might as well have one to start the evening off and ordered my standard poison, a gin and tonic.
I took my drink back to the table and put it down. “Oh did you get a piece of lime in your lemonade? That’s a good idea.” The maid of honour asked cheerfully.
“no, it’s a gin and tonic.” I admitted sheepishly
“Ah…lemonade with extra then. Nice.”
It is a conscious effort for me to drink slowly but I did that, only allowing myself one sip at a time. I made myself get engrossed in the conversation as I hadn’t seen these particular friends for awhile and the bride was more than happy to talk about all the intricacies of wedding planning. I told myself that I would only have another gin and tonic with dinner.
We had dinner and I tried to be as healthy as you can be with pub dinner (steak and veggies) and got my second gin and tonic. I was appalled when I ordered from a different bartender and he charged me more.
We finished eating and I finished my drink, then the bride said “We’ll wait another half hour then we’ll walk to bowling.”
I found myself thinking, half an hour…that’s enough time to get another drink. No, I told myself firmly, you can wait until we get to bowling.
After we got to the next venue we had to wait for a lane. Some of the girls started playing arcade games and I went predictably straight to the bar and perused the cocktail list. Immediately my attention went to a long island iced tea. Tempting, but I don’t want to be comatose by the time my parents pick me up with I definitely will be if I drink one of those. I settled for a gin mixer and went on my way.
We started bowling which I am terrible at. So many gutter balls. About halfway though they gave us bumpers and strangely my scores went up while everyone elses scores went down. In amongst this I found time for another sneaky cocktail.
Our time on our lane ended and the girls were wanting the go to karaoke but I knew I was just going to keep drinking so I decided to call it a night. I called my parents and they came and got me. I didn’t feel drunk, and nothing was said about how sober I appeared on the ride home.
I guess the biggest thing I’ve learnt on this journey is when to remove yourself from the situation. This is what I keep with me moving forward.

Mac

Worrying Things That Happened When I Was Drunk

Mac the Disordered Problem drinking

As I have been trying to get clean and stay clean I thought it would be a good idea to revisit some unfortunate things that happened when I’ve been drinking so I have a list to think about next time I want to nail myself.  As you will see these things range from mildly annoying to very concerning.

  • I overspent with internet shopping
  • With the internet shopping I bought strange things I would likely never wear
  • I posted strange things on social media
  • I missed derby practice because I was too drunk to drive (and skate, obviously)
  • I had broken sleep
  • I cut and burned myself while cooking drunk
  • Pea went out once when I had been drinking and returned to find me unconscious at the bottom of the back steps. We don’t know if I fell and hit my head or what.
  • I withdrew from my savings account to pay for all the alcohol I was drinking
  • I missed out of family events because I was passed out drunk
  • I couldn’t enjoy other family events because I was hungover
  • I threw up in the bedroom
  • Throwing up on myself. Vomit laundry is no fun
  • I blacked out and couldn’t remember the night before
  • I missed work due to broken sleep from drinking
  • I gained weight
  • I was more likely to crave and eat junk food when drunk (see weight gain above)
  • I also ate badly when hungover
  • A blood test revealed abnormalities in my liver enzymes

These are just some things for me to think about, and hopefully I can do better.

 

Mac

Just Checking In

Mac the Disordered Problem drinking, Uncategorized ,

 

It’s been a while since I have blogged and I guess I want to update where my life is at now.  It’s not often that I stop and think “hey, how am I going?” and when I do, and am really honest with myself, the answer can surprise me.  I did this recently and after exhaustive rumination I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t going great, and I’ve started putting some habits in place to rectify that.

 

First, the drinking.  It’s funny how drinking and sobriety episodes have become such a major episode of my life – and this blog – but here we are.  After several binge drinking episodes at the start of April co-inciding with my meltdown when Pea went on his weekend away, I realised I had to do better.  And so my energy has gone into stopping binge drinking.  Not drinking altogether, I’m picking my battles.  I went on to have a couple of binge drinking episodes over the next month but there were greater lengths of time between them.  As of now writing this I haven’t had one since late April – nearly a month ago.

 

With binge drinking all but conquered for the time being, I had to be honest with myself and realise that I was still drinking too much in a day, even though I wasn’t getting drunk.  I was drinking most days and I began to realise that it had taken its toll on me, most noticeably in that I have gained about ten kilos over the last couple of months.  Alcohol is a lot of empty calories, plus drinking makes me want to eat junk food.

 

So now my energy goes into losing weight.  I have realised that if that is going to happen, I have to stop drinking altogether which I have done as of last week.  I’m allowing myself a couple when I go out, but if I end up finding it hard to control myself then I will cut that out too.  I know I can lose the weight provided I am able to say no to drinking, I lost five kilos at the end of last year when my weight crept up once I started of seroquel.  I was on Antabuse at the time so obviously I was having no alcohol.

 

Staying sober without Antabuse is hard, it is really hard to say no.  Some people might say why not just go back on it?  I did say in one of my Youtube videos that I want to see if I can stay sober without a drug but truthfully I’m scared of the effects if you do drink.  I’m scared I might snap one day and have one of my binges which on Antabuse can kill you.

 

In my experience weight loss has more to do with what you eat than exercise but I am staying active.  I have thrown myself into roller derby fully, we are training on Wednesday night for two hours and on Friday night for three hours.  I go down to the local netball courts during the day and get on my skates when I have a day off.  I view learning the skills as a project, and I love having a project.

 

I have also started running.  Pea and I have registered for the city2surf again which for non Australians is a fourteen kilometre fun run from Sydney’s city centre to Bondi beach.  I know I have to train or it will be a struggle so I have been going running three days a week.

 

Work has picked up and I am now working a second shift a week.  Two days a week may not sound like much but increases in any activity is hard for me to get used to.  I have a lot of insecurities about work and feeling useless, worrying if I am making a useful contribution to the team but working a second day gives me a chance to develop into the role a bit.

 

Hopefully all these changes will make next month a better one

 

 

 

Mac

 

A Midnight Meltdown

Mac the Disordered Problem drinking, Uncategorized

 

Pea went away for the weekend on Friday and, knowing this holiday was coming up, I had gone off Antabuse and was basically looking forward to a weekend of alcohol and junk food binging.  I know that sounds bad, but it is what it is.

 

Before he even left however, the cracks started to show.  I tried to control his packing process from his sleeping arrangements to the food he was taking.  He went to a dirt bike event where around seven hundred dirt bike riders would bring their bikes to a camp site near Kowen in the ACT for two days of riding and camping.  A week before I was calling my parents to see if they had any suitable camping gear, urging Pea, who was rather laid back about the whole thing, to start packing.

 

Luckily there was a camping gear sale at Aldi so he got most of what he needed there.  After borrowing an eski from my parents, he was set.  He didn’t want to take any food – just wanted to fill that huge eski with beer – because he said there would be a food truck there.  At my insistence he took some sausages and bread because with one food truck for seven hundred people you don’t know if a) the food is any good and b) they might run out of food.

 

On Friday, I woke feeling off and called in sick to work.  I went with Pea to do his food shopping and nagged him unsuccessfully to buy more food.  Back home, I hovered around while he did his last minute packing, stressing that he was going to forget something.

 

He left around eleven, and my feelings of uneasiness continued.  I distracted myself by watching some youtube, until midday when I went to the pub for lunch as I do every Friday.  I surprised the lady in the restaurant by ordering “the usual, but only for me this week.”

 

I watched more tv that afternoon and was plagued by the overwhelming desire the have a drink.  The voice in my head kept saying “just have one” but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop at one, and then I wouldn’t be able to drive to roller derby training.  And even if I did manage to get there somehow, skating drunk is not advisable.

 

I got to roller derby early, and texted Pea to call me, knowing he’d be at Kowen by then.  He did, but the signal kept dropping out and eventually we gave up.  I accepted that I wouldn’t be able to talk to him until he came back.

 

Once training started I felt shaky, and it occurred to me with a pang of anxiety that if I got hurt there was no-one to come and get me.  I didn’t know who I would call.  Pea’s sister lives down the street but I don’t have her number.  My parents live nearly an hour away.  I held onto the wall for nearly fifteen minutes until I could be persuaded to join in.  Later another freshie broke her tailbone which did nothing to ease my feeling of discomfort.

 

After training we went to the pub and I told the girls that my partner had gone away.  They all started talking about how much they enjoyed their partners going away which left me wondering if I’m just tragic, or if we just haven’t been together long enough (I asked my mum this later and she told me in no uncertain terms that no, we haven’t.)

 

Finally I drove back home and the part of the weekend I had been apparently looking forward to could begin.  I started pouring drinks and watching funny shows.  But rather than relax me, the alcohol seemed to have the opposite effect.  Then at around midnight, my heart dropped into my stomach with a realisation.

 

What am I doing?  I don’t want to be doing this.

 

I was only doing this because I was alone.  And I was terrified to be alone.  I hate sleeping alone yet that is what I would have to do because I had drunk too much to drive anywhere.  I turned off the television, poured the rest of my drink down the sink and took my gabapentin.

 

The next day, I woke determined to do better.  I went to the supermarket and bought ingredients to make a healthy lunch.  Then I called my Mum so at least I would be talking to someone that day.

 

Over the phone Mum picked up that I sounded stressed.  She invited me to stay over for the weekend so, after a bit of thought, I decided that would be best.  At least that way I wouldn’t sleep in an empty house.  I took the ingredients for my healthy lunch and no alcohol.

 

It’s now Sunday and I’m sitting in my room at Mum and Dad’s typing this.  My messages to Pea don’t seem to be getting through so the first he’s going to know about this will probably be when he arrives home late tonight and finds me gone, though he will probably be able to figure out what happened.

 

Now that I know how Pea going away affects me I am better able to deal with it in the future, i.e with no drinking, healthy food and not isolating myself.  Once you know better, you do better.

 

I still miss him though.  I guess I’m just tragic.

 

 

 

Mac

 

Starting Antabuse

Mac the Disordered Problem drinking , ,

I started antabuse the other night and have been sober ever since of course.  Starting this drug is naturally a huge deal.  I went into it thinking I could go off and on it so I could drink on special occasions but that won’t be happening.  By taking this you commit to at least six months of sobriety.  Most scripts last three months, this one lasts a year.

The potential side effects of this drug are so serious that my doctor made me sign a contract stating that she had explained the seriousness of it all to me.  So what are these potential side effects?

According to DailyMed,

“Disulfiram plus alcohol, even small amounts, produce flushing, throbbing in head and neck, throbbing headache, respiratory difficulty, nausea, copious vomiting, sweating, thirst, chest pain, palpitation, dyspnea, hyperventilation, tachycardia, hypotension, syncope, marked uneasiness, weakness, vertigo, blurred vision, and confusion. In severe reactions there may be respiratory depression, cardiovascular collapse, arrhythmias, myocardial infarction, acute congestive heart failure, unconsciousness, convulsions, and death”

 

So.  This drug can kill you.

All the websites I’ve looked at recommend not taking it less than 12 hours after drinking but my doctor said 48.  She also said if I wanted to stop taking it it would be a week before I would be safe to drink but I found some websites that said two.  If and when I do decide to go off it I will wait two weeks just to be safe.

I received the script on Thursday but, as I had been drinking the night before I was unable to start that night.  The pharmacy I go to for my scripts is a bit of a drive away so I wanted to make sure they had it before I went and got it.  When I was talking to my psychologist about going on it she told me that antabuse is fairly rare and they probably wouldn’t have it sitting on their shelves.  So I figured I could call them that day, and if they didn’t have it, I could get them to order it in by the time I was headed that way the next day, and could start it that night.

I called them, and they did in fact have it.  They said they would reserve it for me, not something I was aware I could do at the pharmacy.  Clearly there are a few problem drinkers in that area.

When I went to pick up the antabuse the pharmacist said “now I don’t know if you’ve been warned but if you drink on this you’ll get all the effects of a hangover without the fun part beforehand.”  Well that sounds positively tame compared to what I found above doesn’t it?  I told him I understood and I paid for it.  And oh my god it was expensive – $79.99 for…I’m not sure how much is in there actually.  It’s either one months’ worth or three months’ worth.  So it’s not on the PBS.  Pea thinks that’s because the government wants to make up all the alcohol tax they’re losing from the sober problem drinkers.

I started taking it that night, with my nightly seroquel.  Pea thought it would be funny to lick one of my tablets then have a beer.  I was a bit worried about him, but he had no bad effects come of that.

I’ve been taking it for three days now and I feel fine.  I do have a morbid curiosity every time Pea opens a beer wondering if I should take a sip just to see what happens.  But I’ve been told by enough people that would be a bad idea – mum tells me I will want to die.  My psychologist told me about one of her patients who started drinking on antabuse and after only one beer was so violently ill he need to go to hospital by ambulance.

I’m aware that I haven’t talked much about my problematic drinking on this blog (they don’t like to label people as alcoholics anymore) and that’s mainly because I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know when and how it started, I don’t know why I do it and I don’t know how this will affect me long term.  Being in hospital didn’t help, it just dried me out for a little while then I was back at it again.

I had a blood test yesterday to make sure I haven’t damaged myself with all this irresponsible drinking.  I had one in hospital and I was fine but I’ve been doing it heavy since then.  I won’t find out the results until later this week.

Not drinking for five days hasn’t caused me significant distress, ok I cried the first day but only because I had a crutch and now it has been taken away.  I wasn’t experiencing any dependency symptoms apart from that withdrawal episode I had last Tuesday but nothing like that has happened since then.  Antabuse is a prick of a way to get sober because the control is taken away from you.

But I was out of control before.

 

Mac

The Strange Episode Explained

Mac the Disordered Problem drinking , ,

So I went to my doctor yesterday.  Dad was meant to come with me but he was late because he went to the old address that he has in his address book at work.  Which is funny because my psychiatrist has been there for six years but oh well.

After my episode on Tuesday night, Dad sent my doctor a fax detailing what had happened, concluding with the statement that, in his professional opinion as a doctor, I was on too much seroquel.

She asked me if I was still drinking a lot and I said I was.  She said that, in her opinion as a psychiatrist who has dealt with many problem drinkers on seroquel before, my Dad’s conclusion was incorrect.  What he described, she said, sounded like delirium brought on by alcohol withdrawal, compounded by seroquel on top.

I’m on 50mg of seroquel at night.  By accidentally doubling it I had taken 100.  That is a lot for me but, as she explained, not a high dose of sedatives at all.  That alone wouldn’t account for the sleepwalking.

She asked me I if was getting any other symptoms of alcohol dependence like shaking. I said I wasn’t, but that I felt anxious on days where I wasn’t drinking.  And when I do drink, I can’t stop at one.  So I thought that I would have to so something that I have been putting off but now I feel like I’m out of options – go on antabuse, the drug that makes you violently ill when you drink.  She said that if I’m going to do that we need to talk to Dad about it because to take a step like that you need family support.

At which point my Dad entered, apologising profusely for being late.  She reiterated what she had told me about her diagnosis of my episode.  He shot an accusatory look at me and asked if that meant I had been drinking at home.  She said no, I was experiencing withdrawals from drinking heavily at Pea’s place the night before.

We talked to Dad about me going on antabuse and he was a little taken aback but agreed that I needed to take that step to stay sober.  She said that taking this drug meant that I was committing to six months of sobriety, and laid out the facts – I can’t start it until 48 hours after my last drink, and I can’t start drinking until 7 days after to stop it.  And if I do drink while on it, the effects are life threatening.

Because taking this drug is such a big commitment she made me sign a contract stating that I understood the nature of this drug and the ramifications of drinking on it.  That’s a new one – never had to sign anything for any of my meds.

My doctor ended the appointment by telling me to come back in three weeks and telling me that if anything goes wrong, she could get me in that day if need be.  She thanked my Dad for his involvement and told me I was welcome to bring any of my family members to my appointments, including my mum (I’m not sure I’m ready for that.)

Afterwards Dad and I went for lunch at the pub on the corner of the street my psychiatrist’s office is on and I had the most amazing burger (huge beef patty, crispy bacon, American cheese, onion rings, pickles, barbecue sauce and ranch dressing.)  Dad was joking that I should have one last drink but I wanted to start antabuse the next night.  I couldn’t start it that night as I had been drinking the night before.

Well, that’s all for now.  I will be back to talk about my experiences when I start taking the antabuse.

 

Mac