Year: 2018

Done With Diets

Mac the Disordered body image, diet, Problem drinking, Uncategorized , , , ,

It has come to my attention that I am incapable of dieting.

Properly, I’m incapable of dieting properly.

A little bit of background: I used to be overweight, a hangover effect from being on an inappropriate dose of seroquel. Then I changed to Zeldox, and lost 25 kg.

If you’re reading this and think losing weight will fix your body issues I hate to tell you but losing weight for me brought a range of new body issues. I was happy with my body before I lost weight but now my body just feels like a work in progress.

To make matters worse last year while dealing with increased seroquel, stress from lack of sleep and trying to get my drinking under control I gained 10kg. This time I wasn’t ok with being overweight and my body image took a nosedive. So I set about trying to lose that weight.

To start with my weight loss attempts were decent. I managed to lose 7 of the 10 kg by exercise and an appropriate caloric deficit. But then I stalled, and things fell apart.

You see, while researching nutrition to find the best way to healthily lose weight, I realised that after I first lost weight I was eating far too little. Part of this was due to the reduced appetite that came with starting zeldox, and part of it, I realise now, I was scared of putting weight back on because I knew it would make my already precarious body image worse. I was losing weight eating more than how I maintained my weight for over a year.

So when I stalled, I got it into my head that I need to eat the same way as I did at my lowest. And that’s what I tried to do, for a bit. But purposeful restriction ended up being very triggering.

For the past few weeks I have been terrified of certain foods, and developed this curious habit of binging in the morning. I get up, weigh myself, and regardless of what the scale says go straight to the fridge.

During this time I had a relapse with my drinking. After staying dry for months I started binge drinking at night. I have had these kind of relapses before and it usually happens when I try to stick to a restrictive diet. I would starve all day, then drink a bottle of wine. When you’re drunk you will make bad choices when you want to eat and this is what ended up happening.

While all this was going on, ironically the thing I was trying to avoid happened – I gained back a couple of kilos.

Yesterday, while I was feeling miserable after being full of wine and a massive meal I came to the conclusion that I can’t diet anymore. I just can’t. It’s too triggering.

So does this mean I’m going to eat whatever I want, whenever I want? No. I will try to eat well, but I will allow myself to indulge occasionally. It means I am focussing on health, not weight loss.

When I see influencers – usually plus size, saying that they were focussing on health, not weight loss I didn’t understand it. Wouldn’t health mean weight loss? But now I do. Framing clean eating around losing weight it too triggering for a lot of people, and I realise now that I am one of them.

So for now, the focus is accepting myself at the size I am. I did it before I lost weight, I can do it again, surely.

Mac

2018 Goals

Mac the Disordered Problem drinking , , , , ,

2017 is DEAD. And so is every promise I made to myself this year.

 
At the new years eve party I was asked about new years resolutions and I didn’t know what to say, partly because I hadn’t thought about it and partly because goals I make for myself are linked to my mental health and wellness and really too personal/confronting for polite conversation.

 
I spent the 1st sleeping off a hangover and nursing a back injury that I got at the gym a few days ago. That brings us to today, and I’m forced to think about the matter more seriously.

 
As I was browsing through facebook this morning I saw this article by Rosie Waterland,

 
“Why New Year’s Resolutions are Pointless”

 
The article says, basically new years resolutions are always going to end in disappointment. So by setting them, you’re only causing yourself disappointment and strain on your mental health.

 
Rosie approaches this article from a context of mental health struggles and tragedy in her own life that I can relate to but still I fundamentally disagree with her because she is making two assumptions:

 
a) Setting goals is only worthwhile if you’re going to achieve them
b) If life is shit now, it will always be shit

 
So, I’ll start with point a.
I absolutely think you should set goals for 2018, if you are so inclined. But you have to have a plan, and be prepared to shift your focus. There’s no point saying you’re going to run a marathon, and making no extra time to train, and having no training plan. Actual research has to go into that.

 
A goal, and a path to achieve that goal is not a linear process – it’s a journey. If you make a resolution, put changes in place to get there but still fall short, you’re still further along than you were at the start of the year. So you set out to lose 20 kilos but you only lost 10? You still had to make huge changes to your lifestyle to achieve that.

 
Which brings me to – be kind to yourself. Acknowledge your achievements even if they weren’t what you were hoping for. Maybe you didn’t make any progress. You probably had a good reason! The effects of stress, mental illness and tragedy on someone’s life isn’t always visible and sometimes, as Rosie says in her column, you have to be gentle with yourself. She also says, and I’m paraphrasing, she is more likely to win an Oscar than to ever go to the gym yet in another paragraph admits to going three times in 2017. With those kind of odds she should probably be proud of that progress!

 

So, point B.
Say I’m in survival mode right now. To avoid setting goals because I think I will always be in survival mode is overly fatalistic. We don’t know what is in our future. We just don’t.
When I was talking about future plans in therapy, my psychologist says I have a tendency to assume that when I undertake a new task/life change, I won’t cope. When I think that way I become overly anxious and ultimately sabotage myself.

 

Yes mental health slip ups may occur and interfere with your goals, and it’s important to have a plan in place if they do, but if you avoid making plans in case this happens you will never achieve anything.

 

So with that in mind, what are some goals I have set for myself in 2018?

 

Drink less.
As a problem drinker, this is always the goal. Notice I don’t say don’t drink at all, I am using the same principle with dieting, if I cut something out completely I will be more likely to relapse and binge. My aim is a couple of drinks a week.

 

Develop a weights routine.
Unlike Rosie, I don’t feel like fitness goals are hilarious for me because I have always been active and am looking to improve my fitness and activity level beyond roller derby twice a week. I started at the gym a couple of weeks ago and started using weights but unfortunately have had to take a break because I strained my back. This probably happened because of bad form, so I’m hoping to do some personal training to fix my form and develop a routine that works for me.

 

Take my morning medication
This is a big one. I never forget my night meds because I don’t sleep without them, but with the morning set I am less reliable. To get my anxiety levels under control that needs to change, so I’m trying using a tracker in my traveller’s notebook insert so I can cross off when I take them.

 

If you want to make resolutions, don’t feel like it’s a pointless exercise if you don’t achieve them, there’s nothing wrong with having goals, it’s all about your attitude toward yourself. If you don’t want to make them? That’s fine too, you’ll still look back at the end of the year and be able to track your achievements.

 

Mac