It has come to my attention that I am incapable of dieting.

Properly, I’m incapable of dieting properly.

A little bit of background: I used to be overweight, a hangover effect from being on an inappropriate dose of seroquel. Then I changed to Zeldox, and lost 25 kg.

If you’re reading this and think losing weight will fix your body issues I hate to tell you but losing weight for me brought a range of new body issues. I was happy with my body before I lost weight but now my body just feels like a work in progress.

To make matters worse last year while dealing with increased seroquel, stress from lack of sleep and trying to get my drinking under control I gained 10kg. This time I wasn’t ok with being overweight and my body image took a nosedive. So I set about trying to lose that weight.

To start with my weight loss attempts were decent. I managed to lose 7 of the 10 kg by exercise and an appropriate caloric deficit. But then I stalled, and things fell apart.

You see, while researching nutrition to find the best way to healthily lose weight, I realised that after I first lost weight I was eating far too little. Part of this was due to the reduced appetite that came with starting zeldox, and part of it, I realise now, I was scared of putting weight back on because I knew it would make my already precarious body image worse. I was losing weight eating more than how I maintained my weight for over a year.

So when I stalled, I got it into my head that I need to eat the same way as I did at my lowest. And that’s what I tried to do, for a bit. But purposeful restriction ended up being very triggering.

For the past few weeks I have been terrified of certain foods, and developed this curious habit of binging in the morning. I get up, weigh myself, and regardless of what the scale says go straight to the fridge.

During this time I had a relapse with my drinking. After staying dry for months I started binge drinking at night. I have had these kind of relapses before and it usually happens when I try to stick to a restrictive diet. I would starve all day, then drink a bottle of wine. When you’re drunk you will make bad choices when you want to eat and this is what ended up happening.

While all this was going on, ironically the thing I was trying to avoid happened – I gained back a couple of kilos.

Yesterday, while I was feeling miserable after being full of wine and a massive meal I came to the conclusion that I can’t diet anymore. I just can’t. It’s too triggering.

So does this mean I’m going to eat whatever I want, whenever I want? No. I will try to eat well, but I will allow myself to indulge occasionally. It means I am focussing on health, not weight loss.

When I see influencers – usually plus size, saying that they were focussing on health, not weight loss I didn’t understand it. Wouldn’t health mean weight loss? But now I do. Framing clean eating around losing weight it too triggering for a lot of people, and I realise now that I am one of them.

So for now, the focus is accepting myself at the size I am. I did it before I lost weight, I can do it again, surely.

Mac