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That Time I Ran City 2 Surf and Didn’t Die

Mac the Disordered Uncategorized , ,

Ten years ago, showed up and I ran/walked/crawled in the City 2 Surf with no training.

For non NSW people, the City 2 Surf is an annual 14k fun run that stretches from Sydney’s CBD to Bondi beach.  My dad has been running it for 15 years, and at the time my sister and I, aged 12 and 15 respectively, decided to give it a go.  I showed up wearing a singlet and boardies, having done no cardio leading up to it as I said, and I believe I even ate a maccas breakfast on the drive down.  I was in pain for days afterwards.

Of course, I was a child at the time.  If I tried that same strategy now, I would need an ambulance.

My family was reminiscing that day over dinner last night with great amusement.  My mum remembers how proud of myself I looked when I finally crossed the finish line, not being able to believe what I had done (and with a final burst of energy darted into the seeded runners marquee and stole a finger bun – this was back before all athletes were paleo and long distance runners were all about masses of carbs for energy.)

I had finished with a time of about two and a half hours, my sister about ten minutes or so in front.  I idly wondered out loud how I would do if I actually trained.

To which my family responded, “well, why don’t you?”

I totally should.

I’ve never been a big fan of cardio.  I consider myself quite active and I do go through periods of regular jogging but the reason I tend to run hot and cold is because it’s what I do if I can’t think of anything better to do.  I prefer sports, or weights, or yoga but can’t always be bothered coming up with a routine.

And then there’s the fact that bad things tend to happen to me when I run.  I fall over things, or into things and hurt myself.  And let’s not forget the Frisbee incident.

But maybe letting a few injuries put me off this form of exercise is unfair.  Your body best responds to a varied exercise routine, so I should be trying to mix things up.  Running is a great mindfulness exercise too.

The event is five months away and the website has a ten week training plan but I reckon I’ll use ten weeks to build the intensity then keep going at that level until the race, maybe repeating the last three weeks.

I’ll keep you guys posted on how I’m going.  I’m going to need a lot of quest bars…

Mac

There’s No Wrong Way To Feel On Valentine’s Day

Mac the Disordered relationships, Uncategorized , , , , , ,

VALENTINES DAY IS STUPID!

Hm, mature.  Why is it stupid?

It’s just a conspiracy by Hallmark!

Well Jesus wasn’t resurrected to sell chocolate, and Christmas day was a political move by the Roman Empire to satisfy the Christians and the pagans, what’s your point?

You can’t just have one day to show how much you care.

Ah, I remember who the last person I heard say those exact words was.  The guy who cheated on his girlfriend with me and convinced her that I’m just a crazy stalker when she cottoned on (I’ll save that sordid tale for another time.)

Well k, (since when are we on speaking terms anyway?) I can’t help but wonder if it would be a colossal ask even for a seasoned player like you to pick up a vulnerable girl a decade your junior every single day of the year.  You know, just to demonstrate how much you clearly respect and care for your partner.

There’s just so much pressure.

You don’t know what’s expected of you?  Here’s a novel idea, how about you talk to your sweetheart?  I hear this communication business does wonders for relationships.  There’s no such thing as a stupid question as far as expectations go.  Don’t ever assume – hurt feelings are based on assumptions.

You’re just making single people feel inadequate.

Um, WUT.  Explain.

By being all lovey-dovey up in our faces.

Well, yeah.  I’m in love and love spending time with him.  This day gives me another excuse to do that, and a reminder to appreciate what we have.  Notice that this is about two people – me and him.  Why would you insert you into that?

It just makes me…sad.  Angry but mostly sad.

Aha, progress!  And is it my fault?

No, it’s everywhere.

Yeah it is.  Ok you so you’re sad.  And there’s a lot of this, uh, lovey-dovey trigger around today making you sad.  That sucks.  But why does it happen?

Pft isn’t it obvious.  I’m alone.

Oh come on, unpack that a little further.  Owning your feelings is the first step to healing.

I feel like a failure.  Like people think that there must be something wrong with me because I don’t have someone.  I want a partner so bad it’s pathetic.

Don’t call yourself names.  Why are you pathetic?

Why do I need to rely on someone else for my happiness?  That’s why I’m pathetic.  I want people to believe that I’m happily single.  And I should be, shouldn’t I?  If I can’t make myself happy, how will I be able to satisfy someone else?

Whoa, that’s deep.  Be careful thinking in ‘shoulds’ I once had a psychologist tell me that behind every adult temper tantrum, there’s a ‘should’…anyway, you raise a valid point, it’s important to establish independent identities as adults separate from x’s partner who participates in x’s hobbies and hangs out with x’s friends.   But just because you can get by as a single person, doesn’t mean you’re obligated to like it.  You could be perfectly capable of supporting yourself and pursuing separate interests and still prefer the particular companionship that comes with a long term relationship, the same way that some people are truly better off single.  It’s not pathetic, it’s the way you are.

What I’m saying is…there’s no wrong way to feel.  There’s a wrong way to manage and express those feelings sure, but you’re not pathetic feeling sad on Valentine’s Day.  Lots of people do.  I am.

Excuse me, you have no right to be sad.  You have a boyfriend.

Well if the annual dedication to relationship bliss is a trigger for you despairing over your singledom, don’t you think that it might also be for those in abusive relationships?  Or relationships that are on the rocks?  Wouldn’t it be a painful reminder of the shame and disappointment that comes with trying to come to terms with all of that?

I’m not throwing my boyfriend under the bus, he’s awesome.  But I have a lot of emotional baggage from encounters from other men – an example of which I pretty much spelled out above – that I’m still struggling to work through.   Even though BF and I love spending time together that is always hanging over us, intruding on my thought process.  It’s eating me alive.

So what do you do?

I just…sat with it.  I’ve realised that I’ve got to let myself be sad and acknowledge that that’s what I am.  Otherwise the sadness turns into anger and unhelpful actions.

Like saying Valentine’s Day is stupid huh?

Ha, yes.  Something like that.

–

What you felt, isn’t pathetic.  It’s valid.

If you are feeling sad, let yourself be sad.

If you are feeling lonely, let yourself be lonely.

If you are feeling grief over a lost or dying relationship, allow yourself to feel grief.

It’s tempting to push down your feelings with anger and acting out but it’s not helpful.  There are far more constructive ways to distract yourself then shitting on everyone who is minding their own business enjoying the day.  Date yourself.  Date your friend.  Throw and anti-valentine or gal-entine party, as long as it’s fun spirited.

And for the love of God stay off social media, it’s all smoke and mirrors.

Mac

Mac’s Christmas Favourites

Mac the Disordered Uncategorized , , , , , ,

Christmas isn’t as triggering for me as some, but it does tend to be an general overload on the senses.  When I’m feeling overwhelmed to the point that I can’t even open my mouth because I know my barely verbal 12 year old self will come out, I take solace in these cult Christmas classic tunes.

 

  1. Mean girls – the jingle bell rock dance

Ok if you were a kid in the 2000s you know you tried to learn this dance, guys and girls.  And maybe still do it in front of the mirror after too much moscato.  You may have even performed it at a talent show like these babes did.

 

2.  The school concert in Love Actually

This moment where little Sam gets his chance to impress Marceline the vampire queen Joanna by learning the drums so he can perform with her before she moves to the USA is the only part of the film I remember clearly, even though I watch it every year.  That and a twerking prime minister.

 

3.  The Tweenies – I believe in Christmas

SHUT UP SHUT UP THAT’S MY CHILDHOOD YOU’RE LAUGHING AT!

Ok it’s hardly a cult classic but this song makes me happy, all right? Don’t judge me.

 

4.  The Glee Cast – You’re a mean one, Mr Grinch

I suppose it’s not exactly joyful as such.  But it’s sung by K.D Lang and Matthew Morrison.  They make me joyful.

This song is fun to listen to, not just musically but for the lyrics, with the last line being the cherry on the top of the linguistic glory:

“You’re a three-decker sauerkraut And toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!”

How can you not freaking ADORE that?

 

5.  Team four star: 12 Days of Abridgemas

It’s a dragonball Z themed 12 days of Christmas parody of course, which pertains to Team four star’s abridged dragonball z parody series more than dragonball z but would still be relatable.  Although if you’re a fan of DBZ and haven’t heard of Team Four Star, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?

AND A DESK OF MAHOGANNNNEEEEEEYYYY

 

6.  Yamcha the scarfaced bandit

Another parody by one of the creaters of Team Four Star, to the tune of Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.  Basically it’s a song that sends up Yamcha, the most hard done by character in the show.  You don’t have to follow Team Four Star to appreciate that.

 

7.  Futurama – Santa claus is gunning you dowwwwwwn!

MERRY X-MAS EVERYONE!

❤

 

Mac

51 Things that Mac really wants for Christmas

Mac the Disordered Uncategorized , , ,

Because I’m pretty sure I’m getting a doona set.

This article is a response Elite Daily’s article 51 things a single 25 year old single girl really wants for Christmas.

Ms Martin, I regret to inform you that this ache in your soul that can only be soothed with a hefty dose of body positivity and addressing those dependency issues.  If you bring a man into the mix right now you’re just going to create a host of new problems, take it from someone who knows.

You want a ‘man to blow my mind and a suppressed appetite to fit into those jeans you should have bought me instead.’  Speak for yourself, missy.

These are the 51 things this 25 year old really wants for christmas.  However note that I don’t disagree with her on all counts:

  1. My 12 year old ability to feel refreshed on three hours sleep
  2. Dudes who message me wanting to hook up to be both upfront and polite
  3. To feel comfortable wearing ass hugging pants
  4. MOAR money, less effort
  5. For my mother to not act like my adventure time t shirts are the sole reason I’m failing at life
  6. Netflix.  In Australia.  Yeah its coming but will it be without limitations?  Doubtful!
  7. To not be made to feel more disposable with age
  8. Acohol that makes my ex boyfriends grovel to me more often
  9. More travel
  10. Appreciation for my sparkling porcelain complexion instead of being shamed as ‘pasty.’  Why glow when you can sparkle, amirite.
  11. Being able to feel bad about how that dick from high school died of rapid ALS
  12. To be able to unfollow my 14 year old cousin on instagram so I could stop being unnerved by the borderline soft core lesbian porn she seems to think it’s cute to re-enact with her friends.  So not worth the drama though.
  13. Guilt and consequence free sex with that dickhead ex-lover who was amazing in bed
  14. For shanking street harassers to be legal
  15. To have the pelvic strength to fire blood clots ping-pong balls at people who don’t unserstand why my periods make me miss work/school/parties/sport.  It’s called endometriosis, assholes.  Look it up.
  16. Pain free tattoos
  17. For people to stop trying to make ‘superfoods’ happen.
  18. For people to stop asking me to like fanpages for their dogs.
  19. To be able to eat a nutritous balanced diet by only eating cake
  20. For my married friends to not turn into the pillar of relationship knowledge as soon as they have a ring on their finger.
  21. No writer’s block
  22. Guilt free torrenting
  23. To be able to change my hair colour at will
  24. For my boyfriend to respond to my efforts to teach him massage skills
  25. To wear scene hair without worrying whether or not I’m too old for it
  26. To be able to work through my angst by belting out related songs glee-style
  27. For my grandmother’s dementia to go away
  28. Neck down alopecia, not because I buy into letting porn stars direct my hair styles but because the horrors of the sudden intense itch prompted by being stabbed in the labia by a rogue pube which only ever happens in a public place is a situstion I’d really rather not deal with ever again
  29. Not crying and fainting every time I have those regular blood tests I’ve been having for years
  30. A blog following like Amanda bynes on twitter to appreciate my crazy
  31. That rubix cube hand bag I saw at supernova 2011 and didn’t buy for some reason and haven’t been able to track down
  32. A jumping castle bed
  33. For my man to be able to grow a luscious ginger beard
  34. Unlimited travel sounds good actually…
  35. Being able to attend One Direction concerts a) without shame and b) with a 2 metre personal space bubble that repels crazy twelvies
  36. Bacon every day
  37. Relationships without WORK
  38. One week where carbs didn’t make it impossible to poop
  39. cheese that goes to my boobs
  40. All the guac in the world
  41. All the moscato in the world
  42. Culinary skills
  43. Green juice without the work
  44. Squats without pain
  45. Heels that don’t wreck your feet
  46. To undo the damage 10 years of caffeine addiction has done my bladder
  47. Hair that is both naturally voluminous and flippy
  48. Being able to apply winged eyeliner and false eyelashes without a freaking meltdown
  49. To be able to transform into either a sailor scout or a super saiyan
  50. A spacious home like mum and dad’s without the decades of hard work to afford it
  51. A swimming pool sized spa bath

Merry Christmas

Mac

Kitty Flanagan Says Santa Isn’t Real, Enrages Lying Liars Who Lie

Mac the Disordered Uncategorized , , , , , ,

After a bit of ad- libbing on The Project from comedian Kitty Flanagan,  thousands of enraged parents have taken to twitter to demand that she apologise for being an honest, trustworthy human being. Here’s the offending clip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTWRLnMTQvg

MAYDAY!  MAYDAY!  ABORT!  ABORT!  CHRISTMAS IS RUINED!

The cat’s out of the bag.  How are we going to convince our children to behave if they don’t believe that creepy old stalker isn’t watching them around the clock?

Or…

Here’s a novel idea… how about we STOP FUCKING LYING TO OUR KIDS?

Because if Santa is reduced to just a legend like, say the Grimm fairy tales have been in this day and age, none of this is a problem.

Parents, those of you who have young kids may be under the illusion that you can keep this convenient Santa story going forever.  Newsflash:  you can’t.  Kids are often more intuitive than we give them credit, they do figure out that you lied sooner rather than later.

And let’s not pretend that there’s no benefit for you to keep the ‘magic’ alive for as long as possible.  No I’m not going to make any more cracks about lazy parenting – heck I’m not Mark Latham – but I think it’s a bit rich that mums and dads are getting their panties in a knot in the name of maintaining innocence when they should be calling it maintaining the ability to be manipulated.

“Mac, seriously you need to chill out.  I don’t appreciate being called a bad parent because I’m just trying to make Christmas fun for my kids!”

Hey now, when did I call you a bad parent?  I called you a liar, sure.  Because you did.

I don’t doubt that all these parents have the best of intentions but I think that all too often we avoid thinking about the possibility of a tradition perpetuating terrible life lessons because, well, TRADITION.

My parents certainly never meant for our personal Santa palava to go as far as it did, and in the end I don’t think the heartache – yes, heartache – for me was worth it.

So, like most children on the spectrum I was on the naive side.  The Santa facade went on way longer than in the average family, until I was ten, nearly eleven years old.  The other kids at school had long cottoned on and teased me mercilessly but I just laughed them off.  I pitied them and their fickle, easily swayed nature.  After all, how dreadful must their parents be if they could believe that they’d lie to them so maliciously?  My mother would never do such a thing.

But eventually, despite my willingness to believe, the words of my classmates, every single one, started to get to me.  My sister, two years younger started to disbelieve as well which well and truly planted a seed of doubt in my mind.  I plaintively asked my mother a couple of times and she encouraged me to keep believing.  Looking back, I realise that she sensed the inevitable meltdown and needed time to mentally prepare for it.

The tipping point came when I was rummaging through my mother’s wardrobe for hidden chocolates when I happened across a bag of wrapped presents, tagged for my sisters and I from Santa.  My stomach knotted as I tried to make sense of what I was seeing.  Presents are kept at the north pole.  How could they be there, and in mum’s wardrobe at the same time?

My heart raced as I scrambled to find my mother.  When I told her what I found she went deathly white, and I pleaded with her to give a plausible explanation. I don’t remember what she said except that she made it clear that the illusion had to end then and there.

I was distraught.

As I raced into my room and threw myself onto my bed in floods of tears, Mum followed me and assured me that we could still make Christmas magical. And she was right.  We did everything we usually did.  We exchanged gifts.  I had fun picking out something for my family members that they would enjoy.  Mum took us shopping to pick toys to donate to less fortunate children.  We went to church with Nana to sing carols and make christingles.  We had our extended family over and ate more food than was good for us.

I learned that Santa was completely unnecessary for what Christmas is about.  Appreciating family.  Enjoying giving to others.  Celebrating the birth of Christ.  If I have children they will be celebrating all these aspects of Christmas with me but they will not be lied to.

Because what else did I learn from the Santa experience?  My parents don’t always have the best intentions.  Sometimes they just enjoy fucking with me for their own amusement. I learnt that this so called maintaining innocence is not a wonderful thing after all.  It allows you to be taken advantage of.  If my parents are so invested trying to keep me innocent, who knows what else they are trying to pull!

Standing firm in what you believe in used to be an admirable quality in my mind.  In this situation it lead to humiliation.  Now I get insecure over opinions that a lot of people disagree with, which is a problem because this applies to pretty much all social justice concepts.  I’m afraid to stand up for myself, or others, because I’m terrified of the possibility of being wrong!

Just…don’t fuck with your kids, ok? There is no need.  None.

So please stop blaming Kitty Flanagan for ripping off this unnecessarily placed bandaid that was slowing peeling off anyway.

Or you are so going on my naughty list.

Mac

What I’m into this week #2

Mac the Disordered Uncategorized , , ,

Watching: Paranormal activity, oooooo!

It was Halloween, this is what we chose as our spooky movie. This movie could have been terrifying if my friends weren’t offering ‘hilarious’ fandubs of the demon all the way through. Seriously though, for a film that must have cost like ten dollars to make, it was very well done.

Working on: nail art.

If you’re following me on Instagram (and if you’re not – why? BE MY FWEND!) or if you just take a cursory glance to the right side of this page you can see that I’ve been painting my nails a lot lately. It has been my favourite mindfulness activity for over a decade and the quality of my mental health is inversely proportional to the quality of the nail art. When I’m doing well, I have no time for anything but plain colours. Last week I sat down to do an adventure time test wheel. It took ages and I’m not sure I would ever do it on my hand but it still looks good I think.

Following: The Honey Boo Boo drama.

Uggggggh.

I said last week that reality stars gone rogue was my favourite topic to read about but this has gone beyond trainwreck into truly upsetting territory.

For the uninitiated, the hit reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” was abruptly cancelled when the show’s matriarch was snapped hanging out with a convicted child molester. Who molested a relative of hers. That relative being her oldest daughter who came forward and identified herself, because really it was only a matter of time before she was outed by a tabloid journalist after Radar Online got hold of the police report.

The pictures of Mama June with this man keep coming, often with the titular Alana ‘honey boo boo’ in tow. First June was saying that he was just her friend, then she was saying they were photoshopped but it wasn’t adding up. Anna did a tv interview talking about the betrayal she was feeling and then had her 14 year old sister call her a liar. More digging into the background of these characters was done.

It’s been known that the Shannon/Thompson clan had a shady past – personally I’ve reserved judgement until now because to me it speaks of a class based culture I’m not informed enough to comment on – but what I didn’t know was that a pregnant Anna only returned to the Thompson household for the sake of the show. I’d always thought Anna looked healthier than her sisters and no, I don’t mean because she’s not overweight. She just generally looks brighter and not totally exhausted all the time. Which is funny considering she’s the one running around after a toddler.

As I said it’s truly upsetting. I was amongst those that used to defend these people as harmless, fun loving rednecks but it’s now obvious that this family has some deep rooted demons.

Youtubing: Bart Baker parodies

I just discovered these and I’m obsessed. These are my two favourites:

“What rhymes with funny?” “A LOT OF STUFF, IDIOT!”

Bart makes a great Robin Thicke actually. Much better singer too.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m not 12, but I find these guys so much cuter than 1 D. And fangirls don’t bother getting riled up, I have a feeling that if 1D did see this they’d find it hilarious.

Next week…hopefully I’ll be reading/watching something more intellectual.

Mac

How not to argue against rape culture

Mac the Disordered Uncategorized , , ,

Oh Women against feminism, you.

Look, I’m not going to talk about rape culture all that much, just because I’m just not educated enough about it to do so.

But this appeared on my facebook feed today, and I’m appalled.

waf

Oh geez I haven’t seen an important argument derailed by tone policing that badly since I stopped posting at wrong planet, but that’s beside the point.

Threatening to slash the OP’s throat definitely falls in the territory of overreaction but my word, what a problematic post.

The problem is this:  the OP is trying to argue against the existence of rape culture by condoning unwanted sexual advances by men as normal ‘male heterosexuality.’

ERRRRRRRRRR no.

Feeling all bent out of shape because you can’t walk down the fucking street without unwanted sexual harassment?  Well toughen up princess, this is just straight men expressing themselves sexually. STAHP repressing poor misunderstood menz lyk OMG!!!!!!

So we’re saying that unwanted sexual attention is something that feminists need to get over because, well, it’s just the way men are.  Men are born sexual harrasers.

Women against feminism thinks that it is the nature of men to harass women.  It’s just male heterosexuality!!!!!  Reducing you to an object of sexual pleasure is just, lyk, finding you attractive!!!!

And then they have the bloody cheek to turn around and accuse feminists of hating men.

…

#fuckmysoul

The men in your life deserve better than to be reduced to out of control sex maniacs.  Even if you don’t consider yourself a feminist, even if you don’t believe in rape culture, how can you not be disturbed that?

More importantly, we as women deserve better than to be told that submitting to unwanted stares, touches, and words is necessary to accommodate male sexuality.

They keep looking.  They keep touching.  They keep harassing.  Why?  Because people condone it.  Because they have the power to do so and that power continues to be reaffirmed.

Mac

What I’m Into This Week

Mac the Disordered Uncategorized, what I'm into this week , , , , , , ,

Because I don’t want this blog to be all wahhh woe is me I suck at life.

I’ve decided to do a series of weekly posts talking about what interests I’m fixated on this week.*

(Dear NT world, just because I have Aspergers and am interested in something, DOES NOT MEAN THAT THIS INTEREST IS FIXATED so please stop asking! I’m allowed to make this joke as an insider. You are not.)

Ahem. Where was I?

Oh yes. Here’s what I’m into this week.

 

Reading:

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

I’m not sure how many times I’ve read the Harry Potter books but they’ve all lost their covers, I’m going to have to invest in more.

Anyway, JK Rowling has a knack for storytelling and creating universes that are just as compelling to me in my mid-twenties as they were when I was ten. Much time has been wasted over the past fifteen years waxing lyrical with other members of the fandom.

And fyi, I still ship Harry/Hermione.

Recently though the rest of the world had been alerted to this:

 

 blowjobsinthedungeon

BLOWJOBS IN THE DUNGOEN!

BLOWJOBS IN THE DUNGEON!

Thought you outta know…

Bitch please, we hard core potter-heads have been sniggering over that for…I dunno, at least five years. Since Tumblr became a thing probably.

 

Watching:

veep

VEEP.

I randomly recorded this show off studio but when I watched it I was instantly hooked. For those who don’t know, VEEP is a show centred on Selina Meyer, a potty mouthed, neurotic, borderline narcissist workaholic who has just been sworn in as vice president. Throughout the series her team is in constant damage control as she tries to present as a likable character that Americans can relate to, with laughably disastrous consequences.

I always enjoy shows with flawed but successful females as main characters – maybe a projection of what I hope to be one day? But I guess if Meyer was able to fall into her role as vice president flawlessly I guess she would be hard to relate to for most women.

 

Eating/drinking: Infused water

 2014-10-21 17.28.50

Pretty!

Infused water because hot property amongst fitness bloggers about 18 months ago but it’s not new for me. My grandma has always done it, mainly with lemon and mint. I took to doing it as well, but have been trying to mix up the combinations lately. My current favourite is, as above, oranges and blue berries.

Although putting dried fruit in there is good too, because after the water’s all gone you can eat the plumped up fruit. Amaze-balls.

 

Wearing:

This.

 2014-10-22 16.17.26 (1)

Best. Shirt. Ever.

The print is Sailor Moon perched on an iron throne made not of swords but of the various transformation sceptres used in the show. Brilliant.

I ordered this shirt from Teefury, a store that sells fan art tshirts for only 24 hours, so you have to check regularly to be sure to get what you want. I actually ordered this about five or six weeks ago and it showed up this morning after I had forgotten about it. Totally recommend, as long as you don’t need the tee in a hurry.

 

Following: The Bachelor AU drama.

dirtystreetpie

I think everyone is sick of this except me, but I just can’t stop clicking on whatever story I see. Reality stars gone rogue is one of my favourite things to read about. I didn’t even watch the show, I just read Rosie Waterland’s recaps at Mamamia, but what unfolded after the show ended was worthy of its own reality series

So, for my non Australian readers (because they’ve all just fled to the hills screaming ‘for the love of God, NO MORE!!!’) here’s what went down in a nutshell: Bachelor Blake, or Dirty Street Pie, or Blake the Fake depending on who you ask, proposed to one of the top two girls, Sam Frost, in the show’s finale filmed in south Africa.

Then as soon as the show went to air we found out that all of the interviews and appearances with the happy couple had been cancelled. Next week came the inevitable announcement: Sam and Blake had split. Much sads, love is dead, etc. Except there was never love – Sam alleges that they never even slept together, in fact when they went back to the hotel after the proposal he wouldn’t talk to her and just cried all night. Awks. There was talk of Blake being given a money incentive to propose for ratings, and to Sam because she was judged more likely to say yes.

Blake then went and contacted Lisa, to see if she was interested. She rightfully told him to GTFO. So he moved to the next on the list Louise. She said yes and they fled to Thailand together. Makes you wonder how far down the list of girls he would have gone if they kept saying no!

Blake and a very fragile, medicated looking Louise sold their story to Woman’s day and the project. Meanwhile the original fiancé Sam has been talking to the media non-stop. At first I felt sorry for her – she had been royally screwed over – but after a few weeks it is getting a bit much. For a guy that she apparently never even slept with she sure is hung up on him. It is truly entering train wreck territory.

That was a very long nutshell, as you can see this is a story that just keeps giving. Blake has obviously gone into this looking for a media career and it has backfired in a big way.

 

Youtubing:

OH MY GLOB!!!!

You know LSP rolls with some badass *BADWORDS*

I think I’m responsible for about 1000 of those views.

Keep calm and dirty street pie

Mac

Aspergers and Familial Embarrassment

Mac the Disordered Uncategorized , , ,

I’ve complained about feeling like a target of disdain from my family but the truth is, I’m not the only one.

I have this uncle on my father’s side who probably has Asperger syndrome but I don’t believe he has ever been officially diagnosed. He has trouble reading social cues and empathising with others so overall his capacity to function in mainstream society is very low. He lives with my grandma and has been unemployed for at least ten years, possibly longer.

And yes, he’s the one that my mother holds over me whenever we’re having conflict. You’re the one with the social dysfunction, and that’s obviously what any conflict we have is based on. You need to apologise and accept that you’re just a shitty person compared to the rest of us. If you don’t, you’ll end up living in the basement like him.

As far as I know, he’s not there because he refused to lie down to his mother’s emotional blackmail. He’s there because he’s tried to live independently in many different contexts – as a bachelor, married, as a Buddhist monk – and it’s all gone to shit because he can’t empathise with others and live under anyone’s rules but his own. Maybe he could have if he got the same kind of support when he was younger as I did.

Not that my grandparents didn’t care; it was a different time where there were no behavioural disorders, there were just bad kids who were socialised into a lifestyle of ostracisation that would be so hard to escape.

He presents as what you would call an oddball but he’s harmless unless you’re the type of person who is distressed by conversations dominated by talking about chewing tobacco and tarot cards. My mother would appear to be one of those people.

He embarrasses her. I came to understand that very early on in life, I didn’t fully understand why until my understanding of adult interaction developed later on. I knew there were tough times. He’d been married twice, to the same woman but both marriages were short lived. He’d attempted suicide a couple of times. His life seemed far removed from my own until I started struggling myself in my early twenties and the similarities became frighteningly clear. Looking at him can be like looking into a possible dismal future of wasted potential and suddenly my mother’s threats developed a powerful hold over me that still keeps me wake at night.

It makes me sad, thinking about how things could have been different but I don’t know if my mother feels that way. She never lets on if she does. She just gets embarrassed. Every time we have a family get together, she can be heard bemoaning his presence afterwards. He makes her uncomfortable, and dislikes the way he dominates conversations.

Last weekend we had a party for my grandma’s 80th at a nice restaurant. I brought my boyfriend with me, this being the first time he’d met my extended family. As soon as we walked in my uncle came up and thrust a packet of tobacco under my nose, joking that it would enhance my sports performance. I had to politely decline a couple of times before he got the message but by now I’m used to his manner; this interaction didn’t bother me at all.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see my mother looking alarmed as she does whenever he talks to one of us children but no drama ensued and we got on with the party. All was forgotten and my strongest memory of the day was the look of pure elation on my grandmother’s face when the waiter placed her birthday cake in front of her.

My mother however was still bothered by the interaction between my uncle and I today when I went to her house to do some work. She stood with me as I typed away and asked me fretfully,

“Did I imagine it or did he try to make *BF* take some chewing tobacco?”

I assured her that he was offering it to me and tried to laugh it off, but she wasn’t done.

She vented at me for a while about how embarrassed she was. She asked me if I could see that the chewing tobacco represented a destructive fixated interest. I shrugged.

I wish I could pinpoint why this makes me so uncomfortable.

Maybe it’s just as a fellow aspergian I feel uncomfortable hearing him described as an embarrassment. My view as an insider is going to be different and my mother has made her feeling over some of my less than genteel behaviours abundantly clear. She doesn’t like me ‘engaging’ him. I talk to him but I’ve become good at keeping our conversations being derailed by fixated interests. I don’t see why I should pretend he doesn’t exist but I feel like the rest of the family are on a different page. Mother got annoyed when she found out that I’d been interacting with him on facebook. By interact I mean that he comments on my status, I reply to him. That’s as far as it goes

Is it just my non-NT status that makes me sad, rather than embarrassed? I can see that his behaviour is often totally inappropriate. It’s not hard to see how his life ended up as it has and while I struggle to accommodate other people in my life, it’s something that I consciously work on because life is impossible without some form of coexistence.

It’s also interesting that he’s my dad’s brother, the closest one to him in age but I don’t recall him ever giving his take on the situation. I feel like I’m going to have to ask him about it at some point just to make sense of it all. Right now though the thought is too upsetting, I have the feeling that at least it would make him uncomfortable.

In the mean time I can’t stop wondering, how long until my family start pretending that I don’t exist?

Mac